i’ve come to the conclusion that i cannot deal with what i have no idea how to process or deconstruct or rebuild on my own. i know i need present, loving, and Godly guidance from a man that’s far more advanced in life than my peers. my lack of self-identity and self-worth and my having no idea how to sort through my own chest is harming my relationships with people and how i interact with the world. Jesus has done so much for me in these past few months and He’s so able, but i know that this has to be the next step. i can’t keep on being my own mentor. it’s not working. and God has opened the door for that need to be fulfilled.

that said, i e-mailed a trusted person about asking for regular counseling today. prayer would be appreciated immensely. i’m not messed up or something—don’t be scared for me—but i just know i need someone speaking into my life and helping me sort through everything so i can begin building a legitimate and firm foundation for the man that i want to be, and i can’t do it alone. love you all. thanks.